He hears every prayer

Today we released Shelly to the Rainbow Bridge from a life free of pain and the cancer that had robbed her little body of the life she leaves behind.

It has been a day filled with raw emotion, and one that has been extremely difficult for both Mike and myself.
She is missed already, the painful void in our house where she resided cannot even be filled by the "twins" we call April and Paige. We love both girls and are grateful we have them to hug and cuddle. We receive much love back in return. It is going to take time to slowly heal, with new routines and unending love from the twins. Boy are they little lovers!!

Since Shelly's eye surgery day, exactly 3 weeks ago, it's been a struggle. The day of her surgery, we held our breaths awaiting to see if she would make it through. Fortunately she did, but it wasn't long after when she went into an acute case of vestibular disease. We had to hospitalize her in ICU overnight to get her stable.

Upon getting her home that following day on Tuesday, she was not doing much better from the vestibular. She could barely walk or stand to do her business outside, and was basically in a vegetative state. It was heartbreaking to say the least. I cried all day, as we realized that we would have to put her to sleep in this prolonged condition. This is not what our intentions were at all in putting her through the eye enucleation. We simply wanted her to be out of pain.

Our integrative care vet, Dr. Tartof, said she could give us a tablet that has helped many dogs come out of vestibular. I basically dismissed her offer, as I was already drained from all other promise of hope. I told Mike what she said, and he offered to go and pick it up, otherwise I was resigned to the inevitable fate that appeared to be in store for Shelly.

Wow! This tablet is a Chinese herb I believe, and it was a true miracle! I gave it to Shelly later that day, and by evening she was sitting up and looking around as if to say, what's going on around here??? I continued to give it to her daily, and she continued to improve substantially. Her appetite was still a bit weak, but then Shelly was never a big eater. She would eat what she needed to, and leave the rest unless she was really, really, hungry.

We had to push back the start date for our new chemotherapy from that following Friday to that Monday. With her vestibular appearing to be well under control, we began the new chemo on that Monday. Keeping in mind her bladder tumor had very little margin to grow before a complete bladder obstruction would be inevitable. Time was not a luxury we could afford.
Shelly appeared to tolerate the chemo well, although her appetite was beginning to dwindle day by day. It was becoming a real struggle to get her to eat anything of substance. I began to spend considerable time both morning and evening getting her to eat something.

We also received the pathology report back from the ophthalmologist that the eye tumor was consistent with her TCC cancer. This was definitely not good news. The cancer had metastasized and it amazed everyone that it went to the eye, as this is extremely rare. I was still being somewhat hopeful as we were told on the day of her surgery, that it was contained to the eye. It had not gone beyond the eye. Maybe, just maybe I was thinking we could get it all under control...

After the first week of her IV chemo treatment, and the at-home pills I was administering, her appetite basically ceased to exist. Fearing the worst, I finally called the oncologist and told him what was happening. I believed the chemo was just too hard for her, and that we would either have to scale back or quit it all together. Either way, it would mean that her TCC (bladder cancer) may ultimately win the battle.

This past Thursday, we brought Shelly back to see Dr. Drazner, our new oncologist. It was then that he delivered the fateful news we didn't expect, nor want to hear. Shelly wasn't eating because she was in acute kidney failure...When I questioned him about what time frame we were looking at, he couldn't answer, except to say call him on Monday. They gave her subcutaneous fluids to rehydrate her, and some vitamin b shots to try and make her feel better. He told us with her metastatic cancer it was just not something that he could help her with.

Friday was a dismal day as we realized the fate before us. Shelly was deteriorating quickly before our very eyes. I knew before bedtime that we would need to say goodbye the next day. That evening Shelly got very bad for a period when I thought we would have to take her to the emergency, which I definitely didn't want to do. I prayed fervently, God please give Shelly comfort and peace. It was a prayer he answered merciful and quickly. I kissed her sweet head and promised her it would all be over the next day.
I had wanted our primary veterinarian, Dr. Klepitsch, to come to our house for in-home euthanasia, which we previously talked about doing and tentatively planned for. It's very difficult to truly plan these things, let me just say that. Waking up on Saturday, the plan changed, as it all quickly fell into place. We had already scheduled an appointment the day before, for her to have more acupuncture. Dr. Tartof felt strongly early on Friday before her turn for the worse, that she could help her feel better for just a little while longer...I later explained the analagoy about the empty peanut butter jar. It is impossible to get all of the peanut butter out of a jar, even as good as it is...

Some may disagree to drive a dog in Shelly's condition, but it allowed me time to just hold her in the backseat, and she was more at peace there in my arms than at home. She also knew Dr. Tartof well by then as we made weekly, and sometimes bi-weekly trips for acupuncture for months. Shelly always knew it was a place to go that would make her feel better. Yes, this was the place that would hold fond memories for us as she would quietly slip into her place in heaven.
I want to say a special thank you to Dr. Tartof as she truly played a special role in Shelly's end of life. It was a tender moment when I needed to hand her a Kleenex afterwards...

Shortly after getting back home we had lunch. Nutrition wasn't top of mind during these past few days, but both of us needed strength after such an emotional ordeal. In my normal pre-meal prayer, with a heavy and saddened heart, I asked God to please give me a sign that Shelly was indeed in heaven.

Afterwards, I suggested we take the twins for a walk together. I was craving the fresh cool crisp air and the subtle warmth of the December sun on my face. We set out on Mike's daily normal 3 mile walk when I said, lets go another way in memory of "the Bean" a.k.a. Shelly. We began walking west down the alleyway towards Baker Field Park where Mike had played countless hours of Frisbee with Shelly in her healthier days. She always knew within a block of heading that direction where you were taking her, and she would begin to pull and tug relentlessly, leading the walk with much anticipation.

Once we got to the park, I saw there were several people in the enclosed tennis courts along with a couple of dogs. Not paying particular attention to them, we walked in that direction and noticed one of the dogs running back and forth along the fence watching April and Paige. Mike and I were just chit chatting when all of a sudden I heard it. A very familiar, single, isolated bark. I quickly said, it's the Bean! For those who've owned multiple dogs, you know very well that each dog has their own unique bark, and their unique barks for different times, just like we have our own unique voices. It was completely and unquestionably clear... it was the Beans bark for attention.

I then looked closer at the two dogs, one of which was a chocolate lab who was playing retrieve the tennis ball with intense laser like focus, and couldn't be bothered with us or the twins at all. Suddenly this lab ran over to where we were walking past, and stood with a tennis ball in it's mouth, smiling at me. It stayed there until our eyes locked, him wanting to be sure I saw how happy he was. Then he took off running again towards his owner, fixed upon playing retrieve the tennis ball once again, totally oblivious we were there.

It was then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I exclaimed through tears to Mike - that was my sign!! God quickly answered my prayer from just before lunch right then and there.

God grabbed my attention first with Shelly's bark. Next, the chocolate lab needed to show me how much fun he was having running and chasing the tennis ball. This was Shelly, running and playing in heaven with the Frisbee. I felt so many emotions running through me at that moment that all I could do was allow tears of joy to escape down my cheeks.

God is good, yes he is. I do not believe in coincidence, there is no such thing. It is not coincidence either that I've always told Mike I think Shelly was part lab too. I was serious and even wanted her DNA tested to prove I was right!

God has a plan for each and everyone of us, including small details like this. He loves us so much that he wants to let us know there is a better place waiting for us with him in his kingdom. I will see Shelly one day again. Until then, run with the angels my baby, run like the wind...

 

 

 

 

 

Surgery Day

Waiting is a difficult thing for me, especially when the thing I'm waiting for involves a loved one. In this case, it's my beloved Shelly.
She's in surgery right at this moment, and we're anxiously awaiting the outcome for several reasons.

She is having her right eye enucleated, which means removed. If the reason for enucleating was for one of the norms then I'd be much more comfortable, but in Shelly's case, it could be opening a large bag of worms that I'd rather leave closed. I'm praying literally that the inflammation is contained to the eyeball itself. If it's outside of the eye, then who knows what our options maybe. 
Shelly also has TCC (bladder cancer) which further compounds risks and problems with the surgical process itself.

Right now I'm feeling like she's my own flesh and blood in that OR room. I've never gone through something of this magnitude with any other pet, or human for that matter. It is all in God's hands, and it's truly knowing that which I find some comfort.

We've been on a major roller coaster this past week or two with determining what is best for Shelly.
I believe she made the decision for us yesterday, as she was absolutely miserable. I just couldn't put her through another day of that.

We met with a new oncologist this past week that has provided us with a great deal of hope. Up until this point, her TCC hasn't changed much since diagnosis. We've tried three different chemo protocols and it seems the past one we just took her off of, has somehow caused more issues with her joints and arthritis. She's really struggling with walking. Some days are worse than others.

We took her off chemo on Wednesday, as we were planning on having her begin her new protocol this coming Monday. With her surgery today, this will be pushed back to Friday of this upcoming week. Dr. Drazner who we met with, has had some recent success's with other bladder cancer pets. His goal is to get her into full remission, if not eradicate the tumor completely. That would be awesome!! We have no way of knowing what to expect at this time, but we do have hope and a new found goal.

God is truly an amazing God. My prayer this week has been for hope. I've cried out to him for hope with Shelly, and it looks like he delivered it through Dr. Drazer. Without having met him, I honestly don't know where we'd be at today with Shelly. It's very difficult moving forward without hope.

All I can see is today. God delivered a morning full of sunshine today, and I'm taking that as a literal picture of better days ahead.
Regardless, God's promise is for better days ahead...

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead."
1 Peter 1:3

One Day at a Time

Today is a new day and God's tender mercies are being praised and surely felt!

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

 The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
    to the soul who seeks him.

Lamentations 3:22-25

 

We have spent the past two days at VCA with Shelly.

 

Friday began bright and early with our scheduled appointment at 7 a.m. at Animal Eye Consultants. The pressure reading on Shelly's right eye was higher than it'd been before. It read 48. This is definitely a serious situation as pressure in the eye means pain. A dogs normal eye pressure should be between 15-25. The week before it was 37, and the week before that it was 30. Obviously heading in the wrong direction!

We were told that the eye definitely needed to be removed immediately. It was that or euthanize.

We had both agreed going into this appointment that we wouldn't put Shelly through the surgery until we knew just how stable her TCC (bladder cancer) was. So we left and proceeded to head over to VCA to find out.

 

VCA has their own Ophthalmologist, Dr. Enry Garcia. We hadn't realized this when the eye problem began with Shelly.

By the way ladies, you all need to check out his bio on their website - Mike made the comment later that he was certain Dr. Garcia would have no problems getting dates! Leave it to another man...

 

So after a complete examination by Dr. Garcia, Shelly's pressure reading was back at 30! He definitively stated he saw no reason to remove her eye immediately. He also said Shelly did not appear to be in pain or distress. Dr. Garcia went through her eye medications with us and changed them up a bit. It all made more sense to administer them the way he indicated. Did I say that I really liked him as a doctor?? Oh and that accent!...o.k., o.k. back to our precious Shelly.

 

So from his department, we wanted to be seen by Dr.Greene, Shelly's oncologist there, but the oncology department isn't in on Fridays! Of course!

 

We did however get another ultrasound done of her bladder and spoke to the radiologist, a Dr. Donna Almondia. She told us in essence that nothing's changed +/-. It's only been 3 weeks since starting Shelly's current chemo protocol, so not sure if this was good news or not. We're not actually scheduled to do this ultrasound follow up for another 3 weeks. The urgency of the pending eye surgery is the reason we did it on Friday. Dr. Greene will have to let us know what "no change" means in terms of Shelly when we see her this week. As of now, we're tentatively scheduled for enucleation surgery of Shelly's right eye on Wednesday.

 

The good news for us is that Shelly's TCC doesn't appear to be getting worse. So then why did she seem to be worse? For most of the last week or so, she has been going downhill. Neither one of us wanted to say anything to the other, as that would somehow confirm our worst fears. I've been down this "cancer road" before, and the imminent signs were beginning to rear their ugly head. Shelly was becoming pickier and pickier at eating. She didn't want to come in from being outside. She was loosing interest in many things that she has always loved. It was a battle all around.

 

We got home late Friday afternoon after a LONG and exhausting day, settled in and Shelly seemed relatively comfortable. The next morning was a different story however. She could barely walk! Her limping was so bad that we had to carry her and place her in the yard to do her business. She was unable to do our stairs, and we were both just getting scared. So back off to VCA emergency to find out what was happening.

 

Long story after another exhausting day at VCA - we ending up putting her on another antibiotic and one other pain medication. 

 

Last night as I was reflecting on everything, I began thinking about all my wonderful lady friends in my bible study group. Everyone is such a strong support network for one another, and we've been really stepping up our focused prayers for each other. We're truly seeing God work in many lives! I thought well Shelly is our family member, so I reached out to them for prayers for Shelly's comfort. That's all I wanted was her for her to be comfortable. 

 

This morning - we had a different dog!!! Praise God that he answered everyone's prayers!! Shelly ate everything I gave her, she's comfortable, and she's walking again! This is truly a miracle if you had seen her yesterday.

Now I know some of you are saying, well you did give her some new medicine. Yes, we did. God can work through any means he chooses. The reality is that if God hadn't intervened, we'd likely be back at VCA today and it wouldn't be a good outcome. I believe this with my whole heart.

 

The truth is that God is in control - we are not. Whether you admit it or not, every breath we take is only because he allows it.

Thus says God, the LORD, who created the heavens and stretched them out, who spread out the earth and what comes from it, who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk in it:  Isaiah 42:5

God is good, indeed he is!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We're Praying

Enucleation is the removal of the eyeball. Never in my imagination did I think we'd be facing something like this. Sadly, we are most likely going to need this performed soon on Shelly. In my last post, I stated we were hoping for about 6 months, but it's clear that Shelly is in too much discomfort to wait that long.

 

It is so difficult to understand all that is happening within Shelly over just these past couple of months. It's even baffling all of her doctors. Her oncologist is unclear as to the root cause of it.

I am seeking wisdom in moving forward with this procedure. We clearly don't want Shelly being in pain. We're told that the severe uveitis and glaucoma she has is comparable to a migraine headache. I can certainly understand why she's not been overly eager to eat or socialize.
If the condition would only correct itself, then that would be answer to pray! Unfortunately, it's not and we need to understand why not...

We're approaching a very, very difficult cross road here. In consulting with her primary vet the other day, his concern is with her overall health. TCC, a.k.a. bladder cancer that she has is not curable. It is only treatable, and for how long is anyone's guess. Based upon Shelly's overall condition before the eye problem, she was doing quite well. In fact just last week her and I played some Frisbee in the yard on a warm and sunny afternoon. So it's really difficult to know just how much of her current discomfort is attributed to the persistent uveitis and how much if any may be from by the TCC.
In addition to both of these chronic issues, is a third underlying chronic problem of arthritis.

Poor Shelly just can't catch a break. We've been treating her off and on for better than 4 years now for stiffness in her hind end. Between chiropractic, laser therapy and now acupuncture, it's also worsening. Our primary vet said this is common when there are other issues at hand like the TCC. He's seen it before.

So what to do. What to do.

I am praying about this first of all, truly seeking after God's wisdom. His word tells us that when we ask, we will receive.

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.                                                                                                                                  James 1:5

So why am I not getting a clear cut answer? How does God deliver us His answers?
It's only in reading his word, the bible that you can be certain you're hearing from God. Just like any relationship the more you immerse yourself, the more you will develop a deeper understanding of one another. I cannot expect to hear from God if I seldom open His word. I must be reading it regularly, daily, to be able to truly know him.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.                     John 10:27

Yes, I do hear God. I hear him clearly when I seek after him with my whole heart. When my will aligns with his. In other words, when my goals are not self-centered, but Christ-centered.
So what is God's will in all of this? What is God's will in each one of our lives? We all face uncertainties each day. We all need wisdom to proceed. How do you handle your own trials?

I'm seeking, I'm praying, I'm praising, I'm open to God's will. Won't you please pray along with me for whatever it is you're facing this day?

Heavenly father, you alone are good. None of us can compare. We are weak, you are strong. We are unknowing, you are all knowing. We are sinful, you are holy. I confess my sinfulness to you. I hold things too closely, when I should be holding nothing but you. I do not always seek you when I most need to. I do need you every day, every hour, minute by minute, every second. I cannot you, only you can.
I want to walk in your paths of righteousness. Your word from James 4:8 says, Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. It is only there that I will see you.
You tell us in Lamentations 3:23 about your mercies, they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I ask that especially for today.
Please give me wisdom as I try to discern what is the best thing for Shelly. I know you love her even more than I do.
Thank you God for all that you've done, that you do, and that you are going to do through this situation we face.
It is in your holy precious name of Jesus that I ask and pray.
Amen.

P.S. Dear God,
April, Shelly's little sister, asks if it's possible, to please let her feel extra good today!

All For the Good

It's been way too long since I've been able to just sit and write about our Shelly. Sadly life has a way of spinning out of control when we allow it. There's a laundry list of things I could share, but for now it's all about a way overdue update on Shelly.

Our hearts are heavy this morning as we returned from our second ophthalmologist veterinarian appointment this month.

Since my last post, we've switched chemotherapy protocols. The first two intravenous chemo drugs were not providing the results Dr. Greene at VCA was looking for.

We are now on a daily, oral pill that I give her each day. I have to be careful in handling this little capsule since it is toxic. I am instructed to wear gloves. My first question was then why should I be giving it to Shelly to ingest? The answer is obvious... it is our only chance of extending her life. So far, over the past week or so, it's been well tolerated and we won't know the success until we revisit her oncologist the week of Thanksgiving! Wow - did I just say Thanksgiving??
Yes, life has been WAAAAY too busy for us lately...so now we wait.

We're still seeing Drs. Salee or Tartof each week for our routine acupuncture at The Whole Pet in Bartlett. Shelly really likes going to see them, as I'm sure it does make her feel better. Funny how intuitive dogs really are...
Well about a month ago, Shelly's right eye was becoming red and appearing somewhat cloudy . I was keeping my own watchful eye on hers and last week it was beginning to look very bad. While we were in seeing Dr. Tartof for acupuncture, she did a pressure reading on her eye and became very concerned. It was high, and she suggested we go see Animal Eye Consultants ASAP. Fortunately, we were able to get an appt. the very next morning at 6:30 a.m. I didn't know veterinarians started work that early!! The reality is that Dr. Lindley was squeezing us in due to the severity of the situation, and she works closely with her referral veterinarians, namely Dr. Tartof.

So, after going through the history, examination, etc. Shelly's eye pressure had increased substantially just overnight. Dr. Lindley, needed to give her an injection into the eyeball (ewe!) I couldn't watch that... and she sent us home with 3 different eye drops to which we need a combination for 12 total times per day. It makes for an even busier day.

We needed to make a follow up appointment which brings us to today.

After Dr. Lindley re-examined Shelly's eye, she told us that it definitely appears to have cancerous cells. So what exactly does that mean? She stated she hoped we could get about 6 months out of her eye before it will need to be removed. Poor, poor Shelly. At this time we don't know if it's gone anywhere else, but Dr. Lindley did say she remembers a previous Oncologist DVM, diagnosing a dog with bladder cancer just because of what he saw in the eye. I've never heard of cancer in the eye before for human or canine.

So where do we go from here? I'm thinking I need to connect with her oncologist, Dr. Greene sooner rather than later. Perhaps she has another recommendation for treatment of this new development.

In reflection, it never ceases to amaze me just how quickly things change. The same truth can be said for each and everyone of us. It most definitely was the case for a woman named Natalie. She was driving her car one day last month and in the blink of an eye was t-boned by a truck. By all rights, she should have been pronounced dead at the scene, however, God has different plans for her as she's now in a long term rehabilitation hospital. No one knows her future at this time.

Lately, I've been studying this scripture from Romans 8:28, And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

This is one of the most quoted scriptures, especially in difficult times. Does it mean that God caused Shelly's cancer or Natalie's accident? No. It means that He can use these situations or circumstances for good. I am finally truly understanding this as it was written.
How can something tragic be good? The real antithesis of this scripture can be found in additional scripture.

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. Romans 5:8

There is definite good in Christ's death. For by it, Jesus paid the penalty for our sins by laying down his life for us. Wow! For those of us who believe this to be true, we also know that it is the only way to eternal life in heaven with Jesus and his father, God.

We are both very sad about Shelly's situation, however, I do believe it has allowed me a platform to freely share my faith in these blogs. Whether you agree or not, this is the good that is coming out of Shelly's illness. If just one person reading these blogs would hear God's truth and respond to it, then Romans 8:28 is being fulfilled in the truest sense.

What about me?

It's hard to believe that September is officially half over as of today! Where is the time going??? Much has happened since my last post, which explains why it's taken this long...

First of all, my husband is now home full time. Bittersweet...although the good news is that he can now help with some of Shelly's caregiving needs! Like walking the twins as we call April and Paige for their 2+ mile daily walks again. It's easier to leave Shelly home when someone can assure her that she's not unloved by being left behind...

My heart broke today as she repeatedly barked while watching as the twins left for their walk without her. We found out the hard way a week or so ago that taking her is just too hard on her now. Even her holistic veterinarian agreed that it's probably too much for her.  It's so hard when the mind is willing, but the body is not...So mom decided to spoil her with some special treats for staying home. She really enjoyed those!

We both took her for an acupuncture treatment last week. Shelly actually needed two treatments in one week as she had been very up and down with her energy and eating. As you can see in the picture, she has a series of needles in her back, all parallel to one another. This region is stimulating the bladder. For whatever reason the doctor told us that there was excessive heat being generated here. Interesting how all of this ancient medicine works! Shelly is also on various Chinese herbs to help boost her immune system, and help support everything during her chemotherapy.

When taking chemotherapy treatments, eating is essential for maintaining an immune system. It has been difficult getting Shelly to eat willingly every time. Some meals she wants, but most she does not. I've been coaxing her with many add-ins, but it's becoming increasingly more difficult. We just put her on Mirtazapine to help stimulate her appetite. I found it interesting that this being a human drug, it is prescribed mainly for depression. It's working for Shelly though. She's now eating more again thank the Lord!

This morning while giving Shelly some of her herbs and medications either encased in goat cheese with honey, or buried into one of her natural treats, Paige approached me with this look, "What about me"??? "Where's mine??" Paige has absolutely no idea that I'm only giving these apparent treats to Shelly because she's sick and needs her medicine. Paige is also on a diet to loose weight, so even giving her a little of the cheese or treats is off limits. I told her that she just has to trust me which is  truly tough love.

It then came to my mind right away that many times this is how we are with God. We look at those around us and compare ourselves to them. We see them getting more than what we get. We see them with more than we have and we say to ourselves, "what about me?" Maybe it's not even material things, but a job that someone has that we wish we had, but aren't qualified for or even capable of having.  Maybe it's a relationship that we yearn for that we see others having when we don't or can't.
Whatever it is, we feel left out. We truly feel like God's not listening. The truth is He is. He knows our every thought.
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.   Psalm 139:1-4

God is sovereign and in control even when we can't see it. Just like Paige with me this morning. She can't see the entire picture because it's well beyond her realm of being. This is exactly the picture of us with God. He knows the complete picture, we do not. He knows what is best for us, we do not. Just like with a fine tapestry God is the master weaver. He sees the top side of the complete and finished piece. We only get to see bits and pieces of the underside where the entire picture can't be seen. How can we know what is best when we don't see the entire picture? The answer is we can't. We need to trust him, because we should.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5,6

Trusting God is not easy when we don't know the outcome. Our human nature is to want to be in control. Notice I said want because God is the one in control.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

As much as I want to control Shelly's cancer, it's obvious that I can't. I can only pray and ask God for his wisdom in treating it. After completing two rounds of acupuncture last week, Shelly is now feeling better and eating more regularly. Just in time for her scheduled third round of chemotherapy tomorrow. Assuming she gets it, we'll have to hope and pray the herbs and medicine continue doing what they've been doing this past week.
Well at least for today, Shelly is in her happy place...

Chemical warfare

As I was talking to someone the other day about the general course of events we've faced with Shelly, she asked me, "How does something like this happen"? Great question! How does something like this happen to an otherwise very healthy animal?

When I dealt with lymphoma in Tessie, my previous tri-colored sheltie, it was a huge surprise but then it all seemed to fit as she had several other major health issues pretty much her entire life.  We knew her immune system was already compromised, so when cancer struck, it wasn't a shock of disbelief. I do remember however feeling like I had been sucker-punched the day I learnt she had it. It was a terrible feeling that started in my gut. I guess that all goes along with the unknown territory of cancer...

 

 

It's hard to truly see in the above pictures, but she suffered from DM, a degenerative disease of the skin, muscle and blood. She was diagnosed at the age of 1-1/2 years when her occipital protuberance/sagittal crest was becoming more and more pronounced. This is the bone felt at the top of a dogs head, between the ears. The reason for this was her muscle was wasting. This also caused her eyes to appear droopy as the muscle surrounding her skull was further eroding due to the disease. She actually lost about 2-3" of the fur on the tip of her tail early on. The poor baby. I remember it getting bloody during our cold harsh winters, worrying it would literally freeze. As she became older, her jaw would periodically quiver, which was attributed to a loss of muscle. If that had ever become so severe to where she couldn't swallow, euthanasia would have been the only option. Fortunately, it never reached that point.

In addition to the DM, she had severe, extremely severe allergies which required monthly shots. She was allergic to everything - including grass! Think about that for a minute. To us, that would be like being allergic to air. In essence, she basically was allergic to that too...

 

All things brought about because she had a weakened immune system, very likely from birth. Later on I learnt it was irresponsible breeding, but back then I wasn't going to return her! She was mine and I loved her, health issues and all. Please let this be a lesson if you're reading this, to be very, very thorough in purchasing a puppy from a breeder!!

 

So, getting back to my friends excellent question of "how could this happen?"

 

I felt led two years ago, by the Holy Spirit, to get rid of all lawn chemicals. We live in a HOA where we share common property, and therefore have a landscaper that yes, uses lawn chemicals!! I've actually been told in reading the MSDS specs on the chemicals used, that they are safe. Well, these are likely the same chemical companies that tell us that GMO foods are safe for us as well. Let me ask a rhetorical question - what part of CHEMICAL sounds safe to you??

 

Yes, I believe in my heart without question, that the lawn chemicals are to blame here. I specifically mention that I was led two years ago to do something, which further backs up my belief of this and how the holy spirit acted to inspire my action then.

 

When Jesus walked on the earth, He guided and taught His disciples. They could talk and listen to Him, gaze upon Him, and even reach out and touch Him. But on the day Jesus ascended into heaven, He told His disciples that He would lead and guide them in an entirely new way—through the Holy Spirit (John 16: 7–15).

 

In looking at Shelly's health history, the TCC (bladder cancer) that she now has, first showed symptoms in June 2013. When symptoms appear, the inflammation is already present. Had I done something the summer before in 2012 when I first felt prompted, perhaps she would have avoided the toxic chemicals that transitioned her healthy cells into cancerous cells.

 

Gods timing is perfect! "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

 

There is no such thing as coincidence.

 

So why didn't I do something 2 years ago?  I did, I tried.
I managed to get the HOA to eliminate chemically spraying pine trees that actually touch our back deck where we spend most of our summer evenings. Yeah - victory won! Sadly though, I dropped the ball on the lawn treatment. I tried. I was told by the HOA that we could eliminate chemicals on our immediate lawn area only, but they would continue to treat the common area. You'd have to see our lawn/common area in order to understand this was as good as saying no. How would we tell our shelties to stay just to our immediate lawn area? How would we manage the chemical residue to stay just to the common area and not leach into our personal property? It became complicated to say the least. Therefore, nothing changed, and they continued applying chemicals to the lawn.

 

I am happy to report however that as of Shelly's diagnosis, the HOA has agreed to quit chemically treating our lawn area! Yeah - another victory won! I also am happy to see that several other homeowners are on board with eliminating chemical use community wide. If you're in my subdivision,  please help be proactive in getting our HOA to eliminate chemical treatment throughout our tiny community.

 

For anyone with children reading this, please, please, be aware that even though this post is all about my dog Shelly, it could just as easily be about your precious little Jack or Emma. One story... We humans are just as susceptible to chemical toxins as pets. Real facts are that over extended time, it's only a matter of just that until the toxins begin to leach into our cells and thus begins the inflammation process...ultimately cancer of some form. Doubt what I'm saying? Just look around. They're continually building bigger and bigger cancer wards - why? Because more and more people and children are getting it. It's a sad reflection of our times today. I personally believe it all starts with what we allow into our bodies. Chemicals attack us and our pets everywhere, everyday even in our own Dangerous Backyards. This is another post for another day. For today it's about Shelly.

 

 

So...after beating myself up over this, it occurred to me that my beloved Shelly doesn't look at me today and ask me why? She looks at me with her eyes full of love and devotion just as she does everyday. She honestly has no idea what's going on. I believe with my whole heart that even if Shelly did know, she'd still forgive me. That's her nature, that's a dogs nature, that's God's nature.

If God can forgive us of our sins when we meet him at the cross where he laid down his one and only son to die for us, why can't we forgive ourselves? Yes I feel just awful. Heartsick about this, but I can't change it. I can only move forward one day at a time, to graciously accept the manna God provides each day. I like to call it grace. It's all a choice, and I do choose God. He's the only way to find that deep down peace we all yearn for and that peace is called Jesus.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.   John 3:16

Trust yourself

Today while catching up on my paperwork, including the dreaded insurance company claim forms, I put together a time line for when Shelly's symptoms first began.
To my astonishment, it looks to be about May 2012 when we first had an occasion to do a urinalysis. Since that was an isolated incident, it's hard to pin that as the start of Shelly's TCC.

Regular activity on this symptom began in June of 2013. I have invoices that show the frequency and number of urinalysis' done along with prescribed antibiotics. There was even an ultrasound done last July by my routine vet.  I had brought Shelly in three times before this complaining of her increased urinating. He clearly told me nothing was showing up in her bladder, so not to worry. All totaled, I now see at least 8 different times where we did a urinalysis and prescribed antibiotics between then and her recent diagnosis earlier this month.

My whole reason for sharing this information today, is to help anyone who may be experiencing chronic symptoms of any health challenges without any resolution, either for themselves or a beloved pet. Trust yourself!

You see, my everyday veterinarian is of a very conservative nature. That's obvious, otherwise we would have diagnosed Shelly's condition much sooner I believe.
I was trusting him when he did not give me reason to worry about any potential serious health issues. There's something about our innate belief of wanting to believe everything is alright, when intuitively we know it's not.
I told myself he's the doctor, he studied veterinarian medicine, I did not. Trust him. Perhaps his offer of an explanation that Shelly was possibly just marking on her walks was possible. She was clearly showing signs of serious arthritis in her hind legs, which he said could have caused her to stop frequently (to urinate) in order to slow our walks down...

Even in writing this now, I clearly see why it's hindsight that's 20/20...

That little voice inside me was just beginning last July in an attempt to capture my attention. I squelched it quickly and quietly. No problems, not now, not ever...

DON'T do that!! Don't ever, turn down the volume on your little voice. Always, always listen to it loudly and clearly.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.  John 10:27-28

Do you hear God's voice??  Don't turn away from it as it can cost you your eternal life if you do.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.  Revelation 3:20

I question myself how come I didn't push more when I felt something was wrong. All it took was for my veterinarian, a professional, to assure me that it's all o.k. I even worked in the industry, seeing insurance claims processed daily for hundreds of pets with all kinds of health reasons. I called on over 200 different vet clinics/hospitals, and became quite knowledgeable about many pet health issues. I should have known better when it came to my own pet. So why didn't I?

Because I wanted it to be o.k. more than I wanted to face the possibility it wasn't. Aren't we all like that? It's easier playing ostrich, than it is to face our fate head on. It's difficult to take a hard look in the mirror and have that conversation with the face looking back. It's just easier to take someone's word when it's really what I wanted to hear. No one wants to hear the truth, especially when it hurts!
I could have easily taken Shelly to another vet, for a second opinion, as I now know I should have. I didn't. I played it safe, or so I thought.

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God  Romans 3:23
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:8
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23


Our innate nature is to be self sufficient, to be in denial to our true selves and to be autonomous people, not wanting to be accountable to others. The sad truth is we aren't self sufficient, we do deny the truth and we are accountable for all that we do. God's word is clear on all of this. When we go down the wrong path, at least for me, I am so grateful to know our heavenly father is there to pick me up, dust me off and set me straight.
One of my favorite life verses is this:

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
Psalm 40:2

Halleluiah!
Won't you be sure your feet are on solid rock this day and everyday? There's no turning back when you're on solid ground!

   

Crazy or what?

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. That was my first thought upon awakening yesterday morning as my eyes quickly settled upon Shelly's pill laying on the floor. It still had a few residual crumbs left on it from being cleverly encased in one of her favorite nugget treats, or so I thought!
I can't believe that little stinker. I actually got up at 1:30 a.m. to walk downstairs where Shelly was sleeping to give her this crucial pill that I had forgotten earlier. She appeared to take it...that is until I saw it on our bedroom floor. Not only did she fool me, she transported it to the second floor!
So why did I bother getting out of bed in the middle of the night just to give Shelly a pill? Perhaps I'm the one who belongs in an asylum!

Last week we started on a journey with an integrative veterinarian. This is all new to me even though I've been through the cancer thing several years back with our other tri-sheltie, Tess, who was also 10 years old upon a diagnosis of lymphoma. This time, I'm going to do all I can with Shelly to win this fight and try to give her more happy years of being our Frisbee dog!
It also helps when you have pet insurance, which we do as I had previously sold it for Trupanion. So glad I kept it!

So after our initial visit last week, I came home with a handful of bottles containing natural homeopathic herbs and such. I'm a true believer that we are what we eat, and I do believe this extends to our furry friends as well. I also believe without question that mother nature holds the keys to all of our illness'. After all, how did people get healed before there were CVS pharmacies on every corner???

We've bumped up our program substantially. Now I give Shelly powders, pills and oils a couple times a day. Oh yes, did I mention that I'm supposed to give her liver and dark leafy greens? The liver isn't a problem for her, it grosses me out, but dogs aren't herbivores by nature!! Fighting with her daily is beginning to wear in just a short week. There's only so many ways that I can disguise kale or spinach to satisfy a canine's palette!

So why am I really doing all of this? I've questioned myself. We both love Shelly as she has been our family member for just over 10 years now. While exercising on my spin bike this a.m., it occurred to me why. LOYALTY. TRUST. LOVE.

Shelly is truly a devoted and loyal dog. She always comes by my side whenever I go into the basement like I did today. She will lay there as long as I take to finish my workout. What a sweet face! What's really cute is when I start singing to my music, she'll jump in too. She barks and barks and barks...
Is there anyone more loyal than a treasured pet? Perhaps this is a model we can observe as to how God is with us. He is faithful and just. He never changes.

2 Timothy 2:13 if we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself.

I guess it's also really a matter of my compassion. I also know that our heavenly father looks at all creatures with love and compassion.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

In reflecting upon this, yes, God places a high price on us as humans. So much that he sent his one and only son to die for us! Do you know of any other person that has died just for you?

God also provides the birds for our benefit. They sing beautiful songs, they provide beauty. I know I surely enjoy our feeders which brings them to our backyard. So if God provides for even the birds, wouldn't he surely provide for us as his word above says?

Therefore, it's another model of compassion that God shows us of his great love for us! How great a love as this?

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 1John 3:1

 

Is it no wonder that some say dog spelled backwards = GOD??

 

Hear and Listen

Day 5 since our first chemo treatment. So far so good. Wait. What's that I hear? Squeak, squeak, squeak...it's Shelly's hedgehog that's been in hibernation for sometime now. She's pulled him out again. What a joyous sound it brings rather than it's past annoyance.  

 

 

 

Funny how little things like a squeaker toy can trigger all kinds of thoughts and emotions. In days past, Shelly couldn't walk past her toy basket on the stairway landing without grabbing one of them to carry away in her mouth, squeaking it incessantly along the way. By the end of the day, there'd be a pile of squeaky toys all over the family room floor. As of late, there's only been a few un-chewed rawhides along with clumps of dog-hair as a subtle reminder that we do have a small pack of dogs living here!

 

When did Shelly forget about all her squeaky friends that have been lying in wait? How did I miss this? That's one of the components of an illness. The first sign is the absence of playfulness. It if came with an announcement, then it would have been much easier to understand what was beginning to happen in Shelly's little body, but sadly it didn't.

 

"Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one! “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
Deut. 6:4,5

This was the reply Jesus gave when he was asked what the greatest commandment was.

I found this interesting that such an important question was preceded by the word - HEAR.  In order

for the audience to grasp the meaning of what Jesus was about to say, he had to first tell them to listen! Don't we do this when we have something important to say to others? Listen! For this is very important...

Unfortunately with our canine fur babies, it's very difficult for them to tell us LISTEN! In fact dogs are so adept at masking their pain, that our jobs as their shepherds, becomes even that much more difficult. When you have a senior pet as Shelly is, subtle changes are about the only clues they provide. We must be in tune to any changes they may be experiencing. In Shelly's case, I sadly dropped the ball on her, and am now questioning things from vet visits to my own "listening" ability. In hindsight, what I do understand is that our pets truly rely on us 100%.
 

 

They are the most loyal and devoted creatures I know of. We must "listen" to them with our own hearts, soul and might, otherwise me might just miss the importance of their very lives.

 

On this day, it's difficult to turn anywhere without hearing about the tragic loss of Robin Williams. How very sad. It is now clear that he had suffered greatly. How could those closest to him have missed the importance of his own life? Did they really "hear" him, were they "listening"?

This is something that I believe God was working through his son Jesus in the above response. Hear O Israel...He wanted to capture the moment by impressing upon them to truly listen to his answer. Not merely let the words wash over them.

 

You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and

with all your might. Deut. 6:5

 

Do His words just wash over you, or do you really Hear them?

Perhaps if we took this commandment as seriously as it was given, there would be much less pain and heartache everywhere. We'd all learn how to "listen" to those around us so that we could walk in God's truth, showing others the way to true freedom as well.

 

As I stop to "hear" what my dogs are now barking at, it appears to me that they only do so because I'm not "listening" in dog language. Funny how some belly rubs and snuggle time quiets not only them, but my own soul as well.