Trust yourself

Today while catching up on my paperwork, including the dreaded insurance company claim forms, I put together a time line for when Shelly's symptoms first began.
To my astonishment, it looks to be about May 2012 when we first had an occasion to do a urinalysis. Since that was an isolated incident, it's hard to pin that as the start of Shelly's TCC.

Regular activity on this symptom began in June of 2013. I have invoices that show the frequency and number of urinalysis' done along with prescribed antibiotics. There was even an ultrasound done last July by my routine vet.  I had brought Shelly in three times before this complaining of her increased urinating. He clearly told me nothing was showing up in her bladder, so not to worry. All totaled, I now see at least 8 different times where we did a urinalysis and prescribed antibiotics between then and her recent diagnosis earlier this month.

My whole reason for sharing this information today, is to help anyone who may be experiencing chronic symptoms of any health challenges without any resolution, either for themselves or a beloved pet. Trust yourself!

You see, my everyday veterinarian is of a very conservative nature. That's obvious, otherwise we would have diagnosed Shelly's condition much sooner I believe.
I was trusting him when he did not give me reason to worry about any potential serious health issues. There's something about our innate belief of wanting to believe everything is alright, when intuitively we know it's not.
I told myself he's the doctor, he studied veterinarian medicine, I did not. Trust him. Perhaps his offer of an explanation that Shelly was possibly just marking on her walks was possible. She was clearly showing signs of serious arthritis in her hind legs, which he said could have caused her to stop frequently (to urinate) in order to slow our walks down...

Even in writing this now, I clearly see why it's hindsight that's 20/20...

That little voice inside me was just beginning last July in an attempt to capture my attention. I squelched it quickly and quietly. No problems, not now, not ever...

DON'T do that!! Don't ever, turn down the volume on your little voice. Always, always listen to it loudly and clearly.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.  John 10:27-28

Do you hear God's voice??  Don't turn away from it as it can cost you your eternal life if you do.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.  Revelation 3:20

I question myself how come I didn't push more when I felt something was wrong. All it took was for my veterinarian, a professional, to assure me that it's all o.k. I even worked in the industry, seeing insurance claims processed daily for hundreds of pets with all kinds of health reasons. I called on over 200 different vet clinics/hospitals, and became quite knowledgeable about many pet health issues. I should have known better when it came to my own pet. So why didn't I?

Because I wanted it to be o.k. more than I wanted to face the possibility it wasn't. Aren't we all like that? It's easier playing ostrich, than it is to face our fate head on. It's difficult to take a hard look in the mirror and have that conversation with the face looking back. It's just easier to take someone's word when it's really what I wanted to hear. No one wants to hear the truth, especially when it hurts!
I could have easily taken Shelly to another vet, for a second opinion, as I now know I should have. I didn't. I played it safe, or so I thought.

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God  Romans 3:23
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:8
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23


Our innate nature is to be self sufficient, to be in denial to our true selves and to be autonomous people, not wanting to be accountable to others. The sad truth is we aren't self sufficient, we do deny the truth and we are accountable for all that we do. God's word is clear on all of this. When we go down the wrong path, at least for me, I am so grateful to know our heavenly father is there to pick me up, dust me off and set me straight.
One of my favorite life verses is this:

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
Psalm 40:2

Halleluiah!
Won't you be sure your feet are on solid rock this day and everyday? There's no turning back when you're on solid ground!

   

Crazy or what?

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. That was my first thought upon awakening yesterday morning as my eyes quickly settled upon Shelly's pill laying on the floor. It still had a few residual crumbs left on it from being cleverly encased in one of her favorite nugget treats, or so I thought!
I can't believe that little stinker. I actually got up at 1:30 a.m. to walk downstairs where Shelly was sleeping to give her this crucial pill that I had forgotten earlier. She appeared to take it...that is until I saw it on our bedroom floor. Not only did she fool me, she transported it to the second floor!
So why did I bother getting out of bed in the middle of the night just to give Shelly a pill? Perhaps I'm the one who belongs in an asylum!

Last week we started on a journey with an integrative veterinarian. This is all new to me even though I've been through the cancer thing several years back with our other tri-sheltie, Tess, who was also 10 years old upon a diagnosis of lymphoma. This time, I'm going to do all I can with Shelly to win this fight and try to give her more happy years of being our Frisbee dog!
It also helps when you have pet insurance, which we do as I had previously sold it for Trupanion. So glad I kept it!

So after our initial visit last week, I came home with a handful of bottles containing natural homeopathic herbs and such. I'm a true believer that we are what we eat, and I do believe this extends to our furry friends as well. I also believe without question that mother nature holds the keys to all of our illness'. After all, how did people get healed before there were CVS pharmacies on every corner???

We've bumped up our program substantially. Now I give Shelly powders, pills and oils a couple times a day. Oh yes, did I mention that I'm supposed to give her liver and dark leafy greens? The liver isn't a problem for her, it grosses me out, but dogs aren't herbivores by nature!! Fighting with her daily is beginning to wear in just a short week. There's only so many ways that I can disguise kale or spinach to satisfy a canine's palette!

So why am I really doing all of this? I've questioned myself. We both love Shelly as she has been our family member for just over 10 years now. While exercising on my spin bike this a.m., it occurred to me why. LOYALTY. TRUST. LOVE.

Shelly is truly a devoted and loyal dog. She always comes by my side whenever I go into the basement like I did today. She will lay there as long as I take to finish my workout. What a sweet face! What's really cute is when I start singing to my music, she'll jump in too. She barks and barks and barks...
Is there anyone more loyal than a treasured pet? Perhaps this is a model we can observe as to how God is with us. He is faithful and just. He never changes.

2 Timothy 2:13 if we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself.

I guess it's also really a matter of my compassion. I also know that our heavenly father looks at all creatures with love and compassion.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

In reflecting upon this, yes, God places a high price on us as humans. So much that he sent his one and only son to die for us! Do you know of any other person that has died just for you?

God also provides the birds for our benefit. They sing beautiful songs, they provide beauty. I know I surely enjoy our feeders which brings them to our backyard. So if God provides for even the birds, wouldn't he surely provide for us as his word above says?

Therefore, it's another model of compassion that God shows us of his great love for us! How great a love as this?

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 1John 3:1

 

Is it no wonder that some say dog spelled backwards = GOD??

 

Hear and Listen

Day 5 since our first chemo treatment. So far so good. Wait. What's that I hear? Squeak, squeak, squeak...it's Shelly's hedgehog that's been in hibernation for sometime now. She's pulled him out again. What a joyous sound it brings rather than it's past annoyance.  

 

 

 

Funny how little things like a squeaker toy can trigger all kinds of thoughts and emotions. In days past, Shelly couldn't walk past her toy basket on the stairway landing without grabbing one of them to carry away in her mouth, squeaking it incessantly along the way. By the end of the day, there'd be a pile of squeaky toys all over the family room floor. As of late, there's only been a few un-chewed rawhides along with clumps of dog-hair as a subtle reminder that we do have a small pack of dogs living here!

 

When did Shelly forget about all her squeaky friends that have been lying in wait? How did I miss this? That's one of the components of an illness. The first sign is the absence of playfulness. It if came with an announcement, then it would have been much easier to understand what was beginning to happen in Shelly's little body, but sadly it didn't.

 

"Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one! “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
Deut. 6:4,5

This was the reply Jesus gave when he was asked what the greatest commandment was.

I found this interesting that such an important question was preceded by the word - HEAR.  In order

for the audience to grasp the meaning of what Jesus was about to say, he had to first tell them to listen! Don't we do this when we have something important to say to others? Listen! For this is very important...

Unfortunately with our canine fur babies, it's very difficult for them to tell us LISTEN! In fact dogs are so adept at masking their pain, that our jobs as their shepherds, becomes even that much more difficult. When you have a senior pet as Shelly is, subtle changes are about the only clues they provide. We must be in tune to any changes they may be experiencing. In Shelly's case, I sadly dropped the ball on her, and am now questioning things from vet visits to my own "listening" ability. In hindsight, what I do understand is that our pets truly rely on us 100%.
 

 

They are the most loyal and devoted creatures I know of. We must "listen" to them with our own hearts, soul and might, otherwise me might just miss the importance of their very lives.

 

On this day, it's difficult to turn anywhere without hearing about the tragic loss of Robin Williams. How very sad. It is now clear that he had suffered greatly. How could those closest to him have missed the importance of his own life? Did they really "hear" him, were they "listening"?

This is something that I believe God was working through his son Jesus in the above response. Hear O Israel...He wanted to capture the moment by impressing upon them to truly listen to his answer. Not merely let the words wash over them.

 

You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and

with all your might. Deut. 6:5

 

Do His words just wash over you, or do you really Hear them?

Perhaps if we took this commandment as seriously as it was given, there would be much less pain and heartache everywhere. We'd all learn how to "listen" to those around us so that we could walk in God's truth, showing others the way to true freedom as well.

 

As I stop to "hear" what my dogs are now barking at, it appears to me that they only do so because I'm not "listening" in dog language. Funny how some belly rubs and snuggle time quiets not only them, but my own soul as well.

 

 

 

 

The Fight

Well o.k. we at least now know with absolute certainty that Shelly has TCC. Pathology reports confirmed this. Was this a major surprise? No. Not with all of the symptoms presented as they pretty much aligned with what Mr. Google told me about canine TCC...

So we have decided without any doubts that we'll try Shelly on chemo. For some of you reading this, I'm sure you're shaking your head about the validity of treating a canine pet in this manner. For others, you may have even done the same thing yourselves with a beloved pet. So if you're in the first camp, I'll speak more directly to you here.

We left on our journey into Chicago yesterday afternoon with Shelly for our first oncology visit. We knew it meant a consultation, and hopefully a treatment. As I posted initially, she has a very large mass in the urethra which is the tube connecting the bladder to allow urine to pass outside of the body. It was so large that the DVM doing the scope earlier this week, couldn't actually get his scope past the tumor into the bladder. That's LARGE!
The good news is we were told there doesn't appear to be any further growth in the bladder itself. This was determined upon viewing a recent ultrasound. Thank you Lord!
So the game plan right now is to shrink the existing tumor to eliminate a possible complete bladder obstruction. That would be very bad, as it would require emergency surgery for Shelly to survive that. Last weekend, she did start bleeding externally and it totally freaked us out. Lots of prayers later, it did stop on it's own. I had talked to my regular vet about it then, and this is where I soon became educated about complete bladder obstruction.
We still observe her every outing to be sure something's coming out...

 

God is just so amazing in how he orchestrates every detail in our lives. I recently saw someone I know battling cancer in their own style, down to the valiant end. For this person, they have been battling a long and valiant fight.  Through many, many, prayers, I was beginning to believe they just might accomplish a victory won. Sadly though, upon seeing them, it is quite apparent that it just likely isn't going to be.
The gray ashen skin that literally sucks away your breath as this color is no where to be found on the skin color palette wheel of life. It now loosely hangs over bones that once supported strong muscle and body fat. The extreme coarse and brittle hair so thin leaving a fairly visible scalp line around the entire head. All of the familiar battle signs of a long fight from the harsh effects of chemo and cancer. I started thinking to myself, when does the will to stop fighting end? It's physically clear the battle is almost won by the cancer itself. What makes a person fight so long and so hard?
If you've ever gone through this process with a loved one, and I'm sure some of you have, myself included, it's just not a fair battle. It never can be, because cancer is smarter than most of us reading this.

So bringing this back to the first camp of people mentioned above.
If we as humans put up such a good fight, why shouldn't our beloved pets be allowed to do the same? What makes us think that when things go wrong, we should just give them a lethal injection to eliminate their very breath of life? I've heard the argument before...well we should be able to do the same with people when they're suffering. Really?? Since when should we play God?
...nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things; Acts 17:25

God is the only one who can give breath and life. Doesn't it then stand to reason that he is the only one who should take it? He is the one who give us all things! This includes the strength to bear whatever he brings our way.

I'm not advocating that we let our pets suffer beyond reason. Mercy is also something that God teaches us. My only point in all of this is there is absolutely nothing wrong in treating a pet in hopes that they will see longer life from it. We all want this as humans too, it's the way we're designed, in the image of God! We want to live, not die. It's in our DNA.

The really good news, is that we don't have to! Yes, you heard me right. I once heard a quote from pastor James MacDonald of Harvest Bible Church and absolutely love what he said.

"Born once, Die twice. Born Twice, Die Once."

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.  John 3:16

Please do not simply exit from reading this blog today if you are the least bit unsure of what this all means. You can click through to a website link from the quote above in blue. You can call someone you know that walks with Christ. Talk to a pastor, a friend. Open a bible and start reading John 1:1 all the way through this gospel. Do what you feel led from the spirit. Whatever you do, don't loose this fight because it's the most important one you'll ever face.

God Bless.

Reflection

So we're waiting and waiting...generally speaking it's not something that comes easily for me, but seriously what choice is there? Well at least one of us isn't loosing sleep over things! There is a great deal of truth about ignorance is bliss! I believe there's a lot more that my dogs can teach me... Can you think of a time you were waiting for some news that could spin your life around?

 

I wanted to share a favorite habit of Shelly's that she always did at this time of year. It brings a natural smile to my memory, and truly hits that tender spot deep within with a subtle warmth. Meet my garden statue, that I appropriately call...                                               

"Shelly's Hands"

 

I found this concrete statue quite a few years back at a local statutory. The open hands immediately reminded me of God's hands, and how the butterfly is symbolic of us. He does hold us in the palm of His hand, loosely and gently. It's up to us to come into His presence. What a beautiful image.

You see, I am an avid gardener. I love flowers! Anyone that's ever seen our house, can attest. Plants and flowers everywhere! The more the better. It must be my English heritage as I'm always striving for the stereotypical "cottage garden". So you can see why this statue found a permanent home with us.

When we first got Shelly, it was after one of her mega Frisbee sessions that she joined me at the hands while I was watering my flowers. She couldn't lap up the cool water I sprayed into them fast enough. It was adorable! Her tongue was hanging out by at least 2 inches!! Funny how clearly I remember all of this right now. Mike used to gauge how well her Frisbee sessions went, by the length of her protruding, panting tongue afterwards! I know only a man could come up with this.... :)
In fact, she soon knew that they were her own drinking bowl. They were just the right size, height, etc. I wish I had gotten a picture of her then, but unfortunately the phone camera's weren't what they are today. This is how my garden statue got christened, Shelly's Hands. Whenever I was watering, Shelly was there drinking alongside me.

So in reading my bible, I last read Jeremiah 18, about the Potters House.  My favorite verses in this chapter are vs. 4-6 which says: But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me.  He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the Lord. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel..

Naturally I couldn't help but think about Shelly's Hands sitting out front. I also began thinking how they used to be so filled by the energetic life of a young dog. These days they often go dry and empty. The water that they now cup is still like a mirror and offers time for solemn reflection when I gaze into them.

The pot was marred, but the potter used it anyhow. He turned it into something he saw fit. God is saying he can do the same thing with his chosen people. So thinking about this, even if we're marred or have a situation that is marred, which in Hebrew actually means destroyed, God can rework it into something that He sees as best! Notice it says what the potter sees as best, not what the pot sees as best. God is the potter and we are the clay...this tells me that God is in control, 100%. I'm not able to know what's always best for me, but thankfully He does!
Looking back at that butterfly sitting on the tip of the open hands, it too was transformed from a cocoon to become that beautiful butterfly. When we allow God to change us, even if it's painful, there is beauty on the other side.

If you look real closely at this below photo, you will see Shelly laying down under the Japanese maple in the background. Just about high noon of the hands. During this season of her life, she deserves to be resting. I don't know how much time we'll have left with her, but I believe one day I will see her running and jumping again for the Frisbee. Although the hands that she'll be drinking from will be the real thing, for they will be the hands of God.


 In his hand is the life of every creature
    and the breath of all mankind.
Job 12:10

 

 



 

 

Day One - We wait

Today marks the beginning of what's hopefully going to be a long journey, and one that I'm praying will provide a happy ending.
We've all heard it before, Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
What exactly does that mean??
In the biblical sense, it means that this morning God gave me my daily manna. I have enough to get through this day. We'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. The good news is that God is faithful, and my hope is he'll meet me tomorrow, the same as today.

So getting back to Day One...

You see, Shelly is my sweet 10 year old tri sheltie.

She's the oldest of our three, and is the absolute sweetest dog ever, and was great at catching a Frisbee in mid air. In fact you could say that Shelly has lived for the Frisbee. There was never a time she would leave it lay on the ground. She'd follow us around the entire yard, holding it in her mouth until at last, you'd grab it from her and give it a lateral toss. She would run after it, almost always catching it before it made it's descent to the ground. It was quite a sight, when she'd leap up 2 or 3 feet, form a perfect pike in mid-air and snatch the Frisbee from the air. She'd happily bring it right back for another round. We'd tire long before she ever did. Well this was a few years back now...

We should have seen a lone Frisbee as one of the first signs. When the Frisbee would be left alone outside, only to be stepped on by anyone walking that direction. At first we thought it was signs of normal aging. At the start of this Shelly was at the age of 8-1/2 or 9. In dog years a human would be about 60 years old. Who in their right mind would be doing hurdles, mid-air pikes and high jumps two, three or more times a day?

Then our daily walks of about 2 miles gradually became shorter and shorter as we found it difficult for her to sustain. She was obviously struggling with her back legs. Oh the life of a Frisbee dog...

She also began peeing about every 2 minutes on our walks so it seemed. Our veterinarian did a brief exam, including a pelvic ultra sound, and told us everything was all clear. It's likely the arthritis that was showing up on x-ray in both back legs, was beginning to take it's toll. He also said sometimes older dogs start marking territory. O.K. we could accept that. The solution was to put her on Rimadyl for arthritis pain management. It seemed to start working immediately. Most symptoms soon became just a distant memory last August.

Then after our interminable winter, things started to worsen once again. We told our vet about the constant urinating during our walks, along with the slow walking from apparently painful joints. We talked about trying a different protocol for her arthritis pain management. A urinalysis indicated a possible UTI so we were given about a weeks supply of antibiotics. O.K. we accepted this and also began to put her on weekly Adequan injections to help with the arthritis. This went on for a few more months before we agreed it was not working. Urinating was becoming more pronounced. Not only was the frequency increasing, the duration was now longer.

My intuition, or truly the Holy Spirit I believe, was now hammering me over the head - SOMETHINGS JUST NOT RIGHT!  I went back to my veterinarian, who was on vacation at this point, and requested we do something quickly. We were seen by one of the associate vets, who was now actually listening to me, so we did some further tests...which led up to yesterday.

We took The Bean, as we generally call Shelly, to VCA a local specialty hospital. I've been there many times before with my previous sheltie Tess, for treatment of DM and ultimately lymphoma.
I spent time this weekend becoming proficient reading all about TCC on Google, or transitional cell carcinoma. What is TCC you ask? In layman's terms, its cancer. Cancer of the bladder, many times it's found in the urethra, which doesn't show up on pelvic ultrasounds.
I braced myself for the worst.

And yep, that's where the mass was found. Large as life. In fact so large, the doctor said he couldn't even get his scope past it into her bladder. Poor baby. No wonder she has been struggling with urinating so much, and for so long!! How could this have gone undiagnosed for so long??

So today we're awaiting for the official biopsy results which are expected later this week, but with all of her symptoms and this finding, it'd be a true miracle if it were anything but TCC.
If you believe in prayer, it would be welcomed for our special little girl. Regardless of this outcome, I do know God is in control. Being where I am on my faith walk, I am confident of this.

Please be watching for more details as they unfold.
God Bless