It has been a day filled with raw emotion, and one that has been extremely difficult for both Mike and myself.
She is missed already, the painful void in our house where she resided cannot even be filled by the "twins" we call April and Paige. We love both girls and are grateful we have them to hug and cuddle. We receive much love back in return. It is going to take time to slowly heal, with new routines and unending love from the twins. Boy are they little lovers!!
Since Shelly's eye surgery day, exactly 3 weeks ago, it's been a struggle. The day of her surgery, we held our breaths awaiting to see if she would make it through. Fortunately she did, but it wasn't long after when she went into an acute case of vestibular disease. We had to hospitalize her in ICU overnight to get her stable.
Upon getting her home that following day on Tuesday, she was not doing much better from the vestibular. She could barely walk or stand to do her business outside, and was basically in a vegetative state. It was heartbreaking to say the least. I cried all day, as we realized that we would have to put her to sleep in this prolonged condition. This is not what our intentions were at all in putting her through the eye enucleation. We simply wanted her to be out of pain.
Our integrative care vet, Dr. Tartof, said she could give us a tablet that has helped many dogs come out of vestibular. I basically dismissed her offer, as I was already drained from all other promise of hope. I told Mike what she said, and he offered to go and pick it up, otherwise I was resigned to the inevitable fate that appeared to be in store for Shelly.
Wow! This tablet is a Chinese herb I believe, and it was a true miracle! I gave it to Shelly later that day, and by evening she was sitting up and looking around as if to say, what's going on around here??? I continued to give it to her daily, and she continued to improve substantially. Her appetite was still a bit weak, but then Shelly was never a big eater. She would eat what she needed to, and leave the rest unless she was really, really, hungry.
We had to push back the start date for our new chemotherapy from that following Friday to that Monday. With her vestibular appearing to be well under control, we began the new chemo on that Monday. Keeping in mind her bladder tumor had very little margin to grow before a complete bladder obstruction would be inevitable. Time was not a luxury we could afford.
Shelly appeared to tolerate the chemo well, although her appetite was beginning to dwindle day by day. It was becoming a real struggle to get her to eat anything of substance. I began to spend considerable time both morning and evening getting her to eat something.
We also received the pathology report back from the ophthalmologist that the eye tumor was consistent with her TCC cancer. This was definitely not good news. The cancer had metastasized and it amazed everyone that it went to the eye, as this is extremely rare. I was still being somewhat hopeful as we were told on the day of her surgery, that it was contained to the eye. It had not gone beyond the eye. Maybe, just maybe I was thinking we could get it all under control...
After the first week of her IV chemo treatment, and the at-home pills I was administering, her appetite basically ceased to exist. Fearing the worst, I finally called the oncologist and told him what was happening. I believed the chemo was just too hard for her, and that we would either have to scale back or quit it all together. Either way, it would mean that her TCC (bladder cancer) may ultimately win the battle.
This past Thursday, we brought Shelly back to see Dr. Drazner, our new oncologist. It was then that he delivered the fateful news we didn't expect, nor want to hear. Shelly wasn't eating because she was in acute kidney failure...When I questioned him about what time frame we were looking at, he couldn't answer, except to say call him on Monday. They gave her subcutaneous fluids to rehydrate her, and some vitamin b shots to try and make her feel better. He told us with her metastatic cancer it was just not something that he could help her with.
Friday was a dismal day as we realized the fate before us. Shelly was deteriorating quickly before our very eyes. I knew before bedtime that we would need to say goodbye the next day. That evening Shelly got very bad for a period when I thought we would have to take her to the emergency, which I definitely didn't want to do. I prayed fervently, God please give Shelly comfort and peace. It was a prayer he answered merciful and quickly. I kissed her sweet head and promised her it would all be over the next day.
I had wanted our primary veterinarian, Dr. Klepitsch, to come to our house for in-home euthanasia, which we previously talked about doing and tentatively planned for. It's very difficult to truly plan these things, let me just say that. Waking up on Saturday, the plan changed, as it all quickly fell into place. We had already scheduled an appointment the day before, for her to have more acupuncture. Dr. Tartof felt strongly early on Friday before her turn for the worse, that she could help her feel better for just a little while longer...I later explained the analagoy about the empty peanut butter jar. It is impossible to get all of the peanut butter out of a jar, even as good as it is...
Some may disagree to drive a dog in Shelly's condition, but it allowed me time to just hold her in the backseat, and she was more at peace there in my arms than at home. She also knew Dr. Tartof well by then as we made weekly, and sometimes bi-weekly trips for acupuncture for months. Shelly always knew it was a place to go that would make her feel better. Yes, this was the place that would hold fond memories for us as she would quietly slip into her place in heaven.
I want to say a special thank you to Dr. Tartof as she truly played a special role in Shelly's end of life. It was a tender moment when I needed to hand her a Kleenex afterwards...
Shortly after getting back home we had lunch. Nutrition wasn't top of mind during these past few days, but both of us needed strength after such an emotional ordeal. In my normal pre-meal prayer, with a heavy and saddened heart, I asked God to please give me a sign that Shelly was indeed in heaven.
Afterwards, I suggested we take the twins for a walk together. I was craving the fresh cool crisp air and the subtle warmth of the December sun on my face. We set out on Mike's daily normal 3 mile walk when I said, lets go another way in memory of "the Bean" a.k.a. Shelly. We began walking west down the alleyway towards Baker Field Park where Mike had played countless hours of Frisbee with Shelly in her healthier days. She always knew within a block of heading that direction where you were taking her, and she would begin to pull and tug relentlessly, leading the walk with much anticipation.
Once we got to the park, I saw there were several people in the enclosed tennis courts along with a couple of dogs. Not paying particular attention to them, we walked in that direction and noticed one of the dogs running back and forth along the fence watching April and Paige. Mike and I were just chit chatting when all of a sudden I heard it. A very familiar, single, isolated bark. I quickly said, it's the Bean! For those who've owned multiple dogs, you know very well that each dog has their own unique bark, and their unique barks for different times, just like we have our own unique voices. It was completely and unquestionably clear... it was the Beans bark for attention.
I then looked closer at the two dogs, one of which was a chocolate lab who was playing retrieve the tennis ball with intense laser like focus, and couldn't be bothered with us or the twins at all. Suddenly this lab ran over to where we were walking past, and stood with a tennis ball in it's mouth, smiling at me. It stayed there until our eyes locked, him wanting to be sure I saw how happy he was. Then he took off running again towards his owner, fixed upon playing retrieve the tennis ball once again, totally oblivious we were there.
It was then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I exclaimed through tears to Mike - that was my sign!! God quickly answered my prayer from just before lunch right then and there.
God grabbed my attention first with Shelly's bark. Next, the chocolate lab needed to show me how much fun he was having running and chasing the tennis ball. This was Shelly, running and playing in heaven with the Frisbee. I felt so many emotions running through me at that moment that all I could do was allow tears of joy to escape down my cheeks.
God is good, yes he is. I do not believe in coincidence, there is no such thing. It is not coincidence either that I've always told Mike I think Shelly was part lab too. I was serious and even wanted her DNA tested to prove I was right!
God has a plan for each and everyone of us, including small details like this. He loves us so much that he wants to let us know there is a better place waiting for us with him in his kingdom. I will see Shelly one day again. Until then, run with the angels my baby, run like the wind...
